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Everytime I pin down What I think I want it slips away	The Ghost slips away

raraslash
read my profile sign my guestbook Birthday: 9/3/1990 Gender: Female Interests: I love dance, and I like singing and acting. Message: message meEmail: email me Website: visit my website AIM: missprefec MSN: evalana@hotmail.com Yahoo: storm_of_x Member Since: 8/12/2005

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Monday, June 12, 2006

im sorry:(

    I'm sorry it's been so long since I've written. It's been a long year. Let's see....what's happened since I wrote last? I think I'm really bipolar 'cause my moodswings (and not just PMS) are insane! The first time I realized it I punched a wall that night and I have a scar on my knuckle now. Then I had a 30 minute convulsion. After that I went to go see my therapist and she told me absolutely nothing was wrong...'cause my dad forgot to tell her that i had a 30 minute convulsion...DURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. Anyway I'm going to see someone to give me medication soon so I'm not like this all the time. AND THEN....Cosmo and I are having problems of course...I know you're going to read this cosmo...I love you:)....yeah...he's asleep...but since I have this problem I'm like always depressed...and then he thinks it's because of him...but I'm just so sensative to everything everyone says because my body wants to cry and wants to be mad and wants to make someone else feel bad for it...it's insane...so then I'm making him depressed. My dad, his lawyer, my therapist, and I all had a meeting about all of the court cases...I got him to drop the one against my mom...and then he pretty much called me a stupid person with no brain at all...and that was fun:)...but at least it's over. I got new bras yesterday...I found out I'm a 32DD!!! In a way it was depressing...but I guess I'm going to have to start accepting that I have big boobs at some point and I'm gonna have to learn to like SOMETHING about myself...maybe that can be it? I got fitted and thats the size she said I was...and the bra actually fits!!! AMAZING! I'm not leaking out of it!!! Anyway, my dad still wants to move to Tucson, but now there's an extra option...if the republicans get reelected, we're moving out of the country...and most likely into Central America, which means I'll probably never see Cosmo again. Cosmo might not be able to go to Red Rock next year, he might have to go to Flag High, so I don't know how we're going to be able to do that...Did I mention I'M going to Red Rock next year?
     I just don't know what to think anymore...everything is driving me insane! I can't even concentrate on a simple conversation without thinking about something that's going wrong.
    When I went shopping yesterday, do you know what I was thinking all day? "Why can't I be normal?" Why can't I buy the pretty clothes and be able to have choices about what I wear and not just have to find something that fits...I mean I saw all of these really pretty bras, and then I just asked for a demi cup in 32DD and no one carries one. All I can wear is full coverage...they don't have demi cup in my size...which means that I have to get shirts to wear with it now...which is also nearly impossible...and I can't find pants or shorts that fit me either...and there's all of these really pretty things that I see in stores, and I immediately know that not even one thing in any of the stores at any of the malls will fit me. I also tried on bathingsuits yesterday, and I realized that they don't make bathingsuits for people with my body shape...they only make it for small people with small boobs or big people with big boobs....so it doesnt work...and then when I got home and had a bipolar attack that's all I could think was why can't I be like everyone else? Why can't I be able to trust someone, or sit 5 minutes alone without crying, and feeling like I want to committ suicide? Why can't I just be normal!?!?!? I know that it sounds so great to be different and be your own person, but in the end it's just shitty as fuck. I mean, you don't really have any friends, you can't wear anything you want, you always feel like shit...I'll take normal.

12:22 PM - 4 views - add eprops - add comments - email it

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Imaginary

The dream’s almost over

These sweet cold sweats

The feeling of his shoulders

And this wanting of regret

Everything is okay

As he wipes my tears away

And he’s what makes me want to stay

And day by day

He makes everything go the right way

Every night I see his tears

And I know that I’m the cause

Every day I welcome his fears

And run my fingers through his flaws

If only he knew I loved him so

But for some reason these feelings never show

I just want a couple of years to prove it

And feel his lips fit

Just one more kiss before the end

Just one more kiss

Even if it’s only pretend

He was so much more than an ordinary boyfriend

And I don’t want to comprehend

It’s over

And it was all just a sweet bad dream

7:43 PM - 3 views - 2 eprops - 1 comment - email it

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

its weird. im so used to tons and tons of different guys telling me that they love me and hating it so is it odd that it kinda feels bad that only one loves me now? I'm so used to like 10 or 15 guys wanting to be w/ me at once and now I'm with someone I want to spend the rest of my life w/ and no one else loves me...i dk its just odd...and ive been having awful dreams about cosmo being with other people lately. and then whats even worse is i still live with my mom in all of them and im crying in her arms and stuff...its just weird. I mean I'm so happy to be with cosmo and i love being with him and i wouldnt choose anything over it but its weird that i kinda miss being loved by so many different guys...i dont know, maybe it was just an ego boost or something...i was looking into sierra H's sunglasses today and i saw my reflection and it made me feel sick to my stomach. i have to do something about hating how i look...the only thing is that theres nothing i can do about it...it bites monkey tits. actually it sucks them. mm monkey hairy tits hahahaha. ahhh its so weird the guys that used to say they loved me r now talking about how much they love other people and i dk y but i just feel icky about it. But i have cosmo and he's all i ever talk about so ya...what else could i want in life? he makes everything better...i just wish i could spend vday w/ him. o well...thats enough blogging today...

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Thursday, January 26, 2006

How to explain this...well cosmo i know ur gonna read this but im still gonna say how i feel.

I love cosmo with all my heart and everything but I think he thinks that I don't want to be with him anymore and I just wish that I could prove that I do. It was stupid of me to think that I had feelings for max when I knew that I love only cosmo and could never have feelings for anyone else ever in my life. I just had to say that. I never wanna feel him getting cold in my arms again. I won't let it happen again. My stupidity can't cause anything like that ever again.

12:17 AM - 9 views - 2 eprops - 1 comment - email it

Sunday, January 22, 2006

I wouldnt be surprised if i never felt truly happy again. I wouldnt be surprised if cosmo never wanted to see me again. He's the greatest thing I've ever known, and I think I'm just pushing him away. Maybe it's better that way. Maybe I should just go off and die. Perhaps it will make everyone feel so much better. But on the other hand I love him more than anything. The thought that he was having second thoughts about wanting to be with me makes me just wanna die. All i wanted to do today was lay in bed and cry all day. But I could never tell him that. It would hurt him. And I hate when that happens.

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